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Ronnie Falcao, LM MS, a homebirth midwife in Mountain View, CA

The Pain Continues - How A Cesarean Birth Can Affect a Marriage

Last night I was up until 2 am having a heart to heart with my husband. We seem to be coming from totally different perspectives, particularly since my interest in becoming a CBE. Lots of things were said... lots of hypotheticals... that led to how I don't feel supported or understood. He feels the same way. Basically I tried to get the point across to him that I need him to understand me... why I feel my cesarean is such a focal point in my life, and how in a future birth, I would need to know that he supports and understands me... that the understanding and support needs to start now.

What happened was a huge turning point for both of us I think. What he said was "Sweetie, I know that you really want to be pregnant again, and give birth naturally, but I am not so sure you really want to be a parent again." Basically what followed is that I don't seem to be as focused on the "result" as I am on the pregnancy and birth. (that I don't love my son as much as I could)

That's when the tears really started rolling. It's unusual for me to cry... I have done a pretty good job of hiding my emotions. Basically I've become emotionless. But what he said helped me to put into words what my birth experience really did to me.

I said, "But that's exactly it!! Don't you understand what they took away from me when they took him out of me?? I was in such pain and terror that I didn't care that I was having a baby... I just didn't care!!" I couldn't find a way to attach myself to my son. It was horrible. I was so detached, that I didn't even care that my husband decided on the name. I had no desire to even think about it.

With the tears rolling, and me telling him exactly what that cesarean did for my relationship with my son, I think my husband has finally started to grasp just exactly what far reaching effects a cesarean can have... not only on a woman, but on the ENTIRE FAMILY.

It seems that every time I think I've done some healing, something else comes along. I guess I have finally realized that my birth experience affected my relationship with my son in a tremendously drastic way.

I am so angry at what those people did to me (the midwife, doctor, nurses, etc.) by not giving me the information I needed to make an informed choice!! I could kill them!! HOW COULD THEY TAKE AWAY FROM ME WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY RIGHT AS A WOMAN!!! I'll never get back what they took from me... never... my life is changed forever.... all because of a knife.