The gentlebirth.org website is provided courtesy of
Ronnie Falcao, LM MS, a homebirth midwife in Mountain View, CA

One Dad's Advice about Partner's Resistance about Homebirth

This could be touchy. I think it needs to be a decision he needs to come to of his own free will. If, God Forbid, there was a problem, he needs to feel he made the decision WITH you, and can't blame you for the outcome, when "he knew better".

I had friends growing up who were born at home. I thought it was a bit odd, and felt superior, as I had been born in a "Real" hospital. I think they reason they had for homebirth as did most I knew were financial, not ideological.

Then in my early 20's I had I guy had met a few times in business situations that asked for a ride to the mechanics to get his motorcycle. He was few years younger than me and his wife had just had a baby. She had it at home, "in the tub", and offered to show me the video. I was single, didn't even really know this guy and thought it was real odd. I figured it was odd because of the "In the tub" part and the fact we were not that close, for him and his wife to be showing me naked pictures of her delivering a baby. The "Homebirth" itself was not in itself so odd anymore.

Now I understand, and know how he was just dying to tell somebody, anybody how great it had been. I was the only person, I assume, Maybe he told EVERYBODY, he figured he could tell. I feel bad I didn't understand then and take him up on the offer or at least talk to them about it.

My mother was single at times and worked in the hospital, so I grew up in hospitals and clinics. She had some hellish experiences she used to talk about and say if she had been a pioneer or frontierswoman she would have died in nearly every case. I would have probably died, as I was born 3 months early. Now the odds of survival are pretty good even that early, but even then in the 60's they thought I would not make it.

Anyway, that is where I started from.

With our first pregnancy, neither of us even considered homebirth. We had an HMO, They did have birthing suites in a company owned medical center. They talked them up a LOT and offered to PAY us $100.00 if we delivered there. The reason is they pushed it is "Regular" deliveries were sent to regular hospitals and they had to pay them. She lost that baby.

She started to bleed, and we suspected a miscarriage, we were treated as if we were over-reacting and sent home. In about a week the bleeding had not stopped and she started having contractions, we called the doctor, he was busy, but the nurse said to just watch things and stay home. She delivered a placenta and amnionic sac, there was no fetus. I gathered it up and we went into the hospital. I said she was having a miscarriage, the nurses said, we didn't KNOW that and they would need to call a doctor. I pointed out the stuff in the bag and what it was, she was unfazed, "Well, we'll see when the doctor gets here"

It took 45 Minutes for him to show up.

Not only were we treated like children, we were treated like stupid ones. We understand there was nothing they could do, but they could at least be honest, "Yeah, you probably are having a miscarriage, but there is nothing we can do to stop it, we need to wait an see" instead of the "Oh, probably nothing keep an eye on it"

Anyway, that didn't make us change our views on homebirth, I just stewed over that one.

For the next pregnancy we had the same HMO, but they had built a big new hospital and hired tons of people. They had a mother come in in labour, they said it was way to early to come in and sent her home. She delivered it in the garage. The media jumped all over that, and FHP was grilled for putting profit above patient care. They were VERY paranoid about pregnancy care after that, Nothing gets people as stirred up as babies and problems.

As regency progressed we found ourselves needing to fight for what we wanted. She wanted a waterbirth in one of the suites. They considered her high risk because of her weight and age. They tried to skirt these issues and find other problems. She saw them as authorities, and was prepared to take everything she was told at face value and not ask questions or research for herself.

I know first hand how many times patients are lied to in order to get them to go along with what personnel want to do. Like the previous "Don't worry about it" tactic I just described. I have seen enough of the behind the scenes reasons and the reasons that were given to patients to just accept them.

I was much more inclined to find my own information. In that research I started leaning more and more in the Direct entry midwife and homebirth direction. She did not read nearly as much as I did.

In the end when the doctor blew up when we refused an induction on her due date +1 and wanted to wait a few days. He said the baby was too big, postmature and he WAS trying to be nice to us, there was not another doctor in the state that would even LET her try and deliver a baby that big. (9Lb 2Oz Projected Wt.).

We were determined to switch care providers, but NOBODY will take you that late. We found a local lay midwife, she would not do a homebirth, but would come out and labour with her. My wife was not comfortable with a homebirth, but we did figure the longer we could stay home and out of the hospital the safer we would be. #2 since she did do homebirths we didn't need to worry about staying home too long, if the baby was born at home, she could deal with it, as she did that all the time.

It did help LOT to have her there, and she was much more relaxed with the midwife there. In the end she delivered a 9# 2 Oz Baby just fine. I do think if we had not had the help of the midwife we would have gone in 6-8 hours sooner and think she would have had a C-section.

Right after that she was still not comfortable with a homebirth, but did want some help again next time, like a doula or something.

Later when we talked about it we figured we could go the dual care route and go to the HMO and a midwife. This would preserve our HMO insurance if we had to go in for an emergency and I think still allow her that apron string to "Real" doctors in her mind.

She went to her first appointment with this last pregnancy at the new OB our current insurance lists as approved. She went alone for some reason, we always go to them together, but she didn't tell me about it. I don't think there was anything specific and I hear he was nice enough, but she was uncomfortable for some reason. One of the nurse/receptionists was talking to her and somehow the topic of epidurals came up, The nurse said "You'll want an epidural" My wife said she didn't ask, she told. The fact she did fine without one last time made no difference.

At that point she decided she didn't want to go through this again. She was going to find someone that believes in her and will support her in the choices she makes. That was the turning point.

The reading I did both on the net and in books was what made me sure homebirth was the best way to go for many reasons.

As to convincing him: First off, Many would be inclined to say "He is just a man, HE is not the one that is pregnant" or "#%$^ Him, this is a woman thing, sister"

I think this is a spouse thing.

He should show some interest here, I think the pecking order here is Mother, Father then Midwife. Some would disagree with that. I think going through this together will do more for your relationship than anything else ever will. This is important and it is what marriage is about, IMHO.

Try and get him to read some of the books, I would avoid the very biased ones, at least at first. The information should be as even-handed as possible, These are very important decisions and should be based on rational discussions and not "Doctors, men and Medicine is evil." The facts speak for themselves well enough.

There is a lot more to it than statistics, there are a lot of valid reasons to choose a homebirth, being safer is one. Another thing to look at is WHY, Why are hospitals more dangerous. This is the main thing for me.

The logic "I want to be in a hospital in case there is a problem" On its face is a very logical premise, and if things were how they should be would also be valid. The problems are the things that are done to cover your butt so to speak or because of protocol or because a doctor has to do "something" to validate his being there. This interference with a natural process causes a lot of problems.

If there are given situations that are known to cause birth injuries, they institute practices to prevent those injuries and the incidence of those injuries does not go down, It tells me for every child they save from say cerebral palsy they caused cerebral palsy in another child that would have been healthy otherwise. I guess it comes down to if you think your baby is healthy.

I liked "gentle birth choices" There is another one "Obstetric Myths and research realities" Some of it is on the net along with contact info.

The latter shows many studies that prove "Common Wisdom" is wrong and prove doctors and nurses do choose to ignore proof that shows things they are doing are wrong and are hurting people. Most people assume doctors would seek to find what is best for patients and do those things. Ego, dogma, money and peer pressure often prevent changes for the better.

The doctor that invented Electronic fetal monitors said they are being used as an excuse for too many C-sections and are used way too much. They increase your odds of a C-section 3 Times, if used. They make absolutely no difference in fetal outcome.

They are supposed to spot "Problems" earlier, for every baby saved ,they kill a healthy one due to paranoia and to cover their butt as there is now a glitch on paper a lawyer can point to if there is a problem or birth defect and say "You should have known, you should have done something" I had a doctor tell me "The only C-section I get sued for is one I don't do."

Did you know your odds of death go up 20 times with a C-section. Your babies odds go up 5 times. I had a doctor ridicule us for not wanting the C-section, when I quoted that statistic he scoffed, the odds are so low in the first place a 20 X increase is still very small. I'm not talking statistics here, you are talking about the odds of killing my wife with an unnecessary operation because she may not be able to deliver a "Huge" baby.

After everything I read, and everyone I talked to I think I was more convinced homebirth was the way to go than her. She said all the right things, and claimed it was her decision, but I still had a nagging doubt. It is not quite the opposite of this situation, as she is the one who actually has to do it, but it is similar.

After our first midwife interview My wife mentioned the Dual care idea, The midwife was offended. The final one we decided to use brought the issue up and said she had no problems with it whatsoever, My wife had absolutely no interest in doing it. We did see her backup doctor to get a referral and pre-approval so the insurance would pay for it if we went to the hospital and to get an ultrasound to verify position. The midwife was not sure and admitted that, so we got an Ultrasound to be sure.

There are reasons those statistics are true, Look at the reasons. Look at the things he is subjecting you to in the name of "safety".

There could be 2 reasons for his fears the way I see it. He is worried about your well-being, if so an honest attempt to see what would be best for you will probably convince him.

If he is just uninterested give him a kick in the butt from me and tell him to take some responsibility here. He should give you the support you need at this time.

Get him to look at the info on the net, get him to read this group.

Good luck.