The gentlebirth.org website is provided courtesy of
Ronnie Falcao, LM MS, a homebirth midwife in Mountain View, CA

Addressing Partner's Fears about a Homebirth

I am so committed to having a home birth, I wish so much that my husband wanted it also. He is willing, but he believes that I "should" have it in the hospital. I am low risk for home birth. He says nothing will change his mind. He doesn't care about statistics or books, anything. I'm maybe just hormonal, but I am really feeling frustrated. I guess I should feel happy that he will go along with my choice. Any words of wisdom out there?

As both a homebirth mom and a midwife, I sure can appreciate your frustration. I had four babies in a hospital setting before I had the strength and courage to tell my husband (and my family) that I wanted to have my next baby at home. My husband claimed he supported my choice for a natural, unmedicated birth but when the Doc made a suggestion, that was a totally different story. Hospitals and Drs represented knowledge and authority - his trust was in them, not in me. So, when I got pregnant again (after an induction with No. 4 because I had babies just too fast and too easy for the docs), I said enough is enough. I found a midwife and had my baby at home. In retrospect, I think more time and effort was put on catering to my husband's needs and fears than to the birth of my baby. I was thankful this was not my first and that I had complete trust in my body.

So, as a midwife, I try to address the husband's fears prior to the birth. I have them write down on a piece of paper the worst case scenario he can think of. I also ask him to address all the negative things he has heard about birth from his friends and his family. I encourage him to come to visits. We play out his fears at the end of the visit. I tell him he is not alone in feeling the way he does and put him in touch with other birthing dads who had those very same fears prior to their wives’ home births. We also discuss what role they would like to play at the birth -- and then I educate him on playing that role.

I do this because I don't like surprises at births, especially in dealing with negativity and fears of "birth support people". I want to be focused on my birthing mom and her situation. She and her baby are my only concerns. So, the extra time I spend prenatally answering questions, providing information, will usually pay off in the end.